Resolving to Resolve

I have this week off from work to spend with my kids and to mentally prepare for New Year's. No, I am not planning on partying so hard that I have to get myself psyched up for it. I am getting ready for my resolutions which I will start on day one of the new year and not a moment later (or earlier). So this week I am resolving to resolve.

Inevitably, one of my resolutions will be to address this weight problem I have. So, guess what I am doing to prepare for the diet on 1/1/11? Eating of course!! Yesterday I made whoopie pies - wonderful chocolate cake-cookies with a slab of white sugary icing between them. Now normally even when I am cheating, I would have only the smallest one, and only one. But yesterday I had TWO. I ate one right after I finished frosting the little chocolate sandwiches and one right before bed with a glass of ice cold skim milk. Along with the whoopie pies I have also munched on lots of things I wouldn't regularly eat - brie, spanikopita, gelato, egg salad and on and on.

I've also been contemplating rearranging my fridge and my cabinets to assist in my healthy eating resolution. (This too will help with another resolution on my list - to get organized). I have been trying to think up a way that I can reorganize my kitchen cabinets to make it easier for me to munch healthier. Should I only store the low-cal stuff up front? Put the bad junk in the back? Should I place "my food" on one side and the boys' foods on the other?

Since being more organized will be on my list, I've been making a mental checklist of all of the things in my home and at work that need to be fixed, rearranged, filed or trashed. It is mind-boggling so I will have to resolved to try not to think of this until the first day of 2011.

Working on my spiritual self will be there too - so I've been searching online for a good Bible Study book to use. Plus I've been trying think of my time - what is the best time of the day to spend praying and reading and the like as opposed to spending it with my kids or exercising or blogging?

Then there is this blog - if you could even call it that. I've only posted a handful of thoughts which have been sporadic at best. I've been trying to decide if I should "theme" by blog and only write about certain topics instead of the first thing that comes to mind or should I just keep it as is with a more faithful schedule of posts? I'd like to decide what I will do with it and then on 1/1 start doing it with more fervor.

My list of things to change in the New Year will be much longer, but these are what I've been mulling over in my brain. I am looking forward to a clean slate, solutions, more time with my family, new discoveries and lots of positivity.

Uncle Patrick

Growing up, I thought you were the coolest person I knew.  You would drive up and visit us in Maine with your ripped jeans and motorcycle jacket, always chewing on a toothpick.  You were "Danny Zucco" cool.  I had to have a jacket just like yours, I wanted to be just like you.  I would always roll my eyes when you called me "SchmErin" - it was a baby name and I hated it.  What I would give to hear it now.

I remember laughing and laughing when you took Shannon and I out for McDonalds.  You joked that you would tie me to the bumper for the ride home.  I'm not sure what prompted this empty threat, but we all thought it was funny, until I cried.

I heard my mother's hushed phonecalls with your sisters about your struggle with addiction.  It had such a strong hold on you. None of us fully understood it nor could ever comprehend how binding it was.

For a time, you were sober, and accomplished so much.  After you graduated from culinary school, when we visited New York or when you visited us in Maine,  you would cook for us.  My adolescent sense of taste was no match for your mako shark or falafel, but how I loved your cream puffs stuffed with strawberries and pastry cream.  We visited you in Manhattan where you had the tiniest of apartments and worked in the hippest, dive restaurants in the Bowery.  You took us around the city, showing us all the sites - you were NEVER cooler.

I know that the demon never quite let go, and that hard life weakened your heart, already marred by genetics.  You battled with heart disease, suffering heart attacks and undergoing surgeries.  Later, everytime I saw you, you were paler, weaker, and older than you should have been. 

Last week, God called you to Heaven.  Now I know, people always say this when someone they love, passes from this world as a way of comforting themselves.  But really, I don't think that phrase could be any truer than now.  For all of your adult life, He watched you fight that demon, as it and the heart disease took its toll on your body and spirit.  God knew it was time.  Time for your family to stop worrying despite the initial despair we feel right now.  It was time for you to be in a place where there would be no more fight with an unsatisfied yearning and nothing to hold you but His love.  In short, it is time for you to be whole.

I take heart, knowing that I will see you again, restored and your spirit will be finally at peace. 

Until then, stay cool.

Meal Planner

Is it just me, or does every working mom hate this time of day?  You know, around 4:30 pm when suddenly you realize, "Crap! I forgot to take something out for dinner!" or something along those lines.  It would be different, of course, if I were one of those moms who has something I whipped together a week ago, as a "just in case", in the freezer. But I'm not. Nor will I ever be.  I'd even venture a guess to say that most working moms aren't either.

So, what's a girl to do?  I could make breakfast for dinner. No thawing needed.  However, this takes a trip to the store to buy a few supplies.  I could thaw some chicken in the microwave, but I hate the way the edges cook during the unthawing process and I inevitably end up with a slab of meat that is tough in some places.  We could have a meatless dinner, but again, no matter how I look at it, I have to go to the store.  Of course, there is always the takeout option - pizza or Chinese or some other restaurant.  For me, that is a last ditch option since most are full of fat and calories. 

Week after week, I say to myself that I will plan my meals out which I NEVER do. Actually, that's not true.  I tried it once and it lasted for about 2.2 days when I ended up forgetting to cook what I was supposed to cook.  

I think I've come to that time in this post when I should have come up with some logical solution that should be helpful, not only to me, but to anyone who would read this. But guess what? I've got NOTHING. 

Looks like I'm heading to the grocery store after work.

Today is Thanksgiving, so, as I am sure many bloggers are doing, I am posting the things in my life for which I am most thankful.  The following are listed in no particular order.

1.  I am so thankful for my renewed relationship with God.  While I never lost my faith, I did lose sight of how important the presence of that relationship is in everything I do.  I am so thankful for the peace it has given me and the insight He has given me so that I know what is truly important and what is not.

2.  Where would I be without an amazing husband who loves me so much?  I never want to take for granted how wonderful it is to love and to be loved by a truly wonderful person.

3.  My first-born son - his laugh is good for my soul.  He is so sweet and lovable still.  Please stay this way forever.

4.  I am thankful for red wine. mmmmmmm....

5.  My last-born son - his mischievous laugh/growl and silly faces make me weak.

6.  I am thankful that we have what we need.  I see so many people in need of a place to live, food to eat or simply a friendly face and more often than I like to admit, take what we have for granted. I want to thank God everyday for all of the little things.

7.  Stanley, my basset, spinning in circles.   It cracks me up every time.

8.  Christmas coming up - I love everything about it!

9.  My baby's doll-like "mama".  It always makes me smile.

10. My BFF - thanks for being there!

11.  I am so thankful that my man can fix ANYTHING, whether it is in the house or in the car.  (Unless it is the kitchen faucet - that one is giving him some trouble).

12.  I am grateful for my family - I have learned so much for my parents - they have taught me selflessness, love, and sacrifice.  I am also thankful for my sister - I am glad for who she is and is becoming. 

13.  Red wine (oh, wait, I think I said that!) Well then, red wine AND dark chocolate.  A pair made in Heaven.

14.  For each of my nieces and nephews - while I was close to them when they were a lot younger - I am thankful that I am back in touch (thanks to FB).  I am so happy they are each so beautiful and good human beings. 

15.  I am so thankful for each and every blessing in our lives - small and large, trivial and tremendous.  I am so fortunate and I don't say so often enough. 

Today is a day we give thanks and spend time with those most important to us. Everyday should be like this!

Happy Feet.

Yesterday I got a pedicure.  I LOVE pedicures - and not just because my feet look great when it's done. I love soaking my feet.  I love the massage chair.  I love "reading" the fashion magazines that I refuse to buy because I only look at the pictures.  I love having hundreds of polish colors to choose from. I love the minty lotion that they use to massage my legs and feet. Oh, yes! The massage.  I LOVE the massage.

But the thing I love most of all is that, while I'm surrounded by the manicurists and other customers, I am still getting unadulterated "ME" time.  While my favorite thing in the universe is to spend time with my man and my two boys, I still need a little time to myself.  For some women, it's shopping or reading but for me it's a pedicure.  It's one thing I know that no one else in my little family enjoys and is all mine. (Note to self:  NEVER let my husband or children get a pedicure! If they do, they will be hooked and the act of getting a pedicure will not be "all mine" anymore.)

It doesn't matter that it's fall and I will be wearing (for the most part) closed toed shoes. It's not about my feet looking great.  And they do look great.  That's just a benefit. 

In this case, it is all about the experience. 

Today is Kick-Yourself-In-The-Butt Day.

Today is kick-yourself-in-the-Butt Day ("yourself" being me, of course).  My last post was about my weight loss or lack thereof.  This blog is about how I'm going to really lose the weight - and how it all starts with my finances.  Another problem I have.

My husband and I do okay in terms of our work but we can't save money to save our lives.  So, today, I kicked myself in the butt and wrote out a budget.  What I discovered was, (insert drumroll) we have to make some changes. BIG surprise. Not really. 

One place we are spending way too much is at the grocery store.  So...you see now?  This is where it all starts.  From now on (or for as long as I don't lose interest) I will attempt at making weekly menus for breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks and only buy groceries for that.  I will be thorough, but will not overbuy, so that I don't spend to much money or get things I won't or shouldn't eat.  Notice I wrote that I will be planning out menus for lunch too.  This will help me save money on eating out at lunch too. 

If indeed, I keep up with the menu planning, I hope I will plan healthy, wholesome meals and save calories too. 

The recent change in the weather has also put some punch behind my self-inflicted kick.  It's cooler out which means I have no excuse to get some exercise in.  Today, day one, I walked at lunch and I will do the same tomorrow and the day after that.  I'll worry about warmer weather when the time comes.  Another thing the cooler weather has done is demonstrated my weight gain in very clear terms.  My cold-weather clothes are not fitting too well.  Really, what other motivation do I need?

I will not buy any new, bigger clothes.  I will not.  Unless they are workout clothes, which I WILL wear. To work out.

I hope this kick-yourself day feeling will stay with me for more than just this week.  Otherwise, I'm afraid my butt will grow so large I won't feel the sting the next time.

So much to blog about, so little time...

Since my last post, there has been so many topics running through my brain just begging to be written about.  I haven't settled on a one.  Of course, what I mean is there are lots of stuff I want to write about, but that doesn't mean I have anyone to read any of them.

But I am writing this blog for me right?  So here are the many things I hope to write about:

1. More on weight loss...or weight gain.  This depends on where I'm at.  God help me.

2. The way my little boy says "Mama" whenever my man gets him out of bed or picks him up after work.  Poor Daddy.

3. Or the laziness of my big boy.  Will he ever really like any sport AND actually partake?

4.  Food. I could have a million posts featuring all of my favorite recipes with pictures.  I LOVE pictures of food.

5.  About how I want to be a stay-at-home mommy.  I love my job.  I do. Still, there is something so alluring about being with my baby all day and being able to pick my boy up from school.

6. How about giving up "city" life and reverting back to living in the country?  As long as it is within 30 minutes of a Target.

7.  I could also write about my husband's amazing ability to fix anything and everything in this house.  He is so cool.

8.  Speaking of my husband, I could also tell everyone about his "...isms" - cute little redneck sayings that are so funny but also make perfect sense.

9.  I could certainly showcase my big boy's LEGO creations - everyone is interested in that right?

10.  My job -I could write so many posts on the amazing people I meet at my job. 

11.  My parents - they are both so strong but in entirely different ways and they are both the giving, sacrificing people anyone will ever meet.

I could go on and on, but I think this list will give me a good start.

I Am Not a Rocket Scientist.

I am woman, therefore I am obsessed with my weight.  The two go together:  being a woman and being obsessed with weight, right?  Okay, so maybe it isn't just because I am a woman, but it IS because I am overweight.  This is exacerbated because I am very conscious of fat's ill-effects on one's health and face it - I want to look good!

I have been fighting the weight battle since I graduated high school and spent most of my twenties overweight with the exception of when I married my husband.  I lost weight for my wedding but quickly gained it back.  I had my first son and then ballooned to a number I will not say out loud in conversation nor will I mention it here.  Finally, I decided I didn't want to begin my thirties fat.  I knew that in the shape I was in, I was not living my life to its fullest.

So, I joined Weight Watchers and lost fifty pounds.  And it was easy. Honestly.  I remember that as the pounds came off, I was astonished at how simple it seemed.  I followed the plan and walked a few times a week.  That's it.  After I lost it all, I never felt so good, so beautiful and so energetic.  After a while, though, I did get tired of going to meetings and counting every point, so a few pounds crept back on, but they were nothing I couldn't deal with.

Another beautiful baby boy later, and I am overweight again.  Not fifty pounds but still more than I should be.  My son was born almost two years ago, and despite how simple it was then, it is really hard now.  I can't explain it, but it is.  I have rejoined WW TWICE since his birth.  I just couldn't get myself to count the points and stick on plan, despite how easy I know it is. 

Here I am.  This entry marks a [another] new start.  With my two past attempts under my belt, I won't be going the Weight Watchers route again because of seem to have developed some sort of mental inpass.  It will have to be the old fashioned way:  watching what I put in my mouth and getting my butt moving.  By choosing to write about it here, I'm hoping it will help keep me more accountable.

I've learned certain things work for me:

1.  Before I eat something that doesn't fit into the plan, thinking to myself, "Is it worth it?"

2.  Walking every other day at least.

3.  Drinking LOTS of water.

4.  Writing down what I eat.

See, I know what works, but despite all of my knowledge and experience, this past year and a half have been a struggle.  Seeing the needle on the scale go down, just to go up again makes me want to pull my hair out.  I've thought about just giving up and eating whatever-the-heck I want and not care what size I end up to be.  Then seconds later, I remember how great I felt when I was twenty pounds lighter and all of those clothes in the back of my closet I want to fit into again.

My excuses are many:  I am too busy with the family, work, housekeeping, LIFE.  When I have the time to workout, I choose to take nap because I'm tired.  When I cook, I cook foods that are not necessarily healthy because I "think" they are easier or quicker to make.  In my head, I know these are just excuses, but give me a chance and I can justify every one. 

Really, weight loss isn't rocket science.  It is easy. But, right now, why is it so hard?

Bedtime Rituals

Last night, just before I went to sleep, I checked on my sleeping children.  I opened the door to my toddler's room and lightly rested my hand on his back to check if he was okay.  Then I did the same with my seven-year-old. I developed this habit the minute my first was born.  Every night I would touch him, make sure he was breathing, and just watch him for a few seconds.  Seven and a half years later, I still practice the ritual.

During that first year of his life, and the first year of my toddler's life, I did this because I was petrified of SIDS.    But why have I continued?  There is no longer a risk of SIDS and my children have no health risks that would make me (logically) worry.  Still, I feel compelled to peek in on them every night, and, if for some reason I wake in the middle of the night, I check on them again.   Will I continue to do this two years from now or even when they are teenagers? (Let's not even touch on the fact that I still use a monitor in my 7-year-old's room). It seems completely ludacris that I feel this compulsion to do so, but I can't help it.

When I see them sleeping, so calm and tranquil, it sets my mind and my heart at ease.  I feel like all is well with the world - their world.  When I feel that silent rise and fall of their back, I can breathe easier.  The peace I feel washes away whatever that day held. 

I remember when I was pregnant for the first time, and when both my boys were infants, I would read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on about what I should feed my baby, how I should bathe him, how I hold him.  When it came to bedtime, all of the magazines and books said to develop bedtime rituals to encourage your baby to fall asleep easily and to sleep through the night.  So, of course we came up with a routine:  bathtime, book, and a lullaby.  I have found that although the books don't mention it, the same works for me.  Every night they go to sleep after a series of events that is (for the most part) pretty similar every evening.  For me, there is only one nighttime ritual I need in order to fall asleep.

Nice Work If You Can Get It

I love my life.  Even I am amazed that I can say that and that statement is actually true.  I have a fulfilling job, two amazing boys and an incredible husband who loves me.  I think I have it all.  I have even had the idea that if Heaven is anything like my life, I am just fine with that for eternity. 

That isn't to say that there are times when things are less than perfect - I am normal after all.  I work for a non-profit where I hope our work makes a difference in our community, but by its very nature (it being a non-profit) there are times when it's difficult.  I work full time and throughout the year the year there are several times when I have to work evenings.  I do this gladly, but it is more than difficult knowing on a normal night, I have only three hours with my seven year old and even less with my toddler. 

These few hours are precious and more than I'd like to admit, I find myself trying to pack it all in - cooking dinner, helping with homework, bathtime and cleaning up after dinner, all before 8:30, the time my oldest boy goes to sleep.  Then, in times like this, I feel guilty because I should have spent more time with my boys. 

I think it is a farely common assumption that being a working mom - simply means that at times you feel guilty.  "I should have planned it out so that I could stay at home with my kids." "I don't have a lot of time to cook the best meals for my family."  "I should be doing more with my kids."  "I should be spending more time with my husband."  Once we decided to have kids, I was determined to be the perfect mother and wife.  I would be able to work nine to five, cook a four course dinner, get my kids to all of their after school activities - you know, music lessons, sports, boy scouts - have playtime, read them books,and, after they are sung to sleep with a lulliby, have a romantic evening with my husband.  That nightly routine is frankly not possible.  On most nights that don't include any afterschool activities, it is still a trial to get dinner on the table and the kids to bed on time.  Romantic evenings? What are those?

Being a working mom means exactly what it is - I work at a job and I work at being a good mom and wife.  It is WORK.  It is trying and tiring but rewarding and comforting.  Just like any good job, it has great pay and even better benefits.