Trying Something Different

So, I think there has been a shift in my attitude regarding my weight loss. Since I made my resolutions in January, I've lost a total of three pounds. Sad, right? In truth, I've lost over 10 pounds since then, but gained and lost the same five pounds. I was trying (when I remembered) to use the online Weight Watchers program, but I have a block. For whatever reason, I forget...no....subconsciously refuse to track what I eat. And, since I've lost a heifer-load of weight before on WW, I know that it is the tracking that makes it work. In regards to any moving I've done, it has been sporadic at best. What can I say, I have no excuses for my lack of focus or persistence. Trust me, I want and need to lose at least 25 pounds, so it isn't for a lack of motivation. I have a whole
closet full.

Today, as I was sitting outside watching my boys play, it dawned on me. I'm going to try to lose weight without trying to lose weight. I know it doesn't make sense, and it will likely backfire, but I'm at an impasse. I'm tired of feeling guilty for eating something i shouldn't or for not exercising when i should. I'm tired of self-depricating when I look at myself in the mirror or step on the scale. And while in truth I know that I'm all about the excuses, I am still saying that I've tried everything. For the most part, I make healthy choices when it comes to food and I exercise at least twice a week. For whatever reason I'm on a yo-yo and can't get off.

For better or worse, my weight will do one of three things. It will go up, it will stay the same, or with the grace of God, it will go down.

I am not saying that I'm going to just eat whatever I feel like or become a couch potato. I do have some ground rules.


1. I won't feel guilty when I throw away the food my kid's don't eat, nor will I try a bite or two of their mac and cheese.


2. I am going to restrict myself to wine only once a week (God help me).


3. I will drink more water.


4. I will eat more fruits and veggies.


5. I will eat less meat.


6. I will eat less sweets or other foods that have no nutritional value.


7. I will only weigh myself once a week and not every time I enter the bathroom.


8. I will walk/do some cardio at east four times a week.


9. I will do yoga at least once a week.


10. I will eat smaller portions and always leave food on my plate.


I have no fantasies that I will end up losing all the weight I want or will go down a few sizes. In fact I'm not very optimistic at this point. However, this is still the best option for me. If I can get away from obsessing about my weight, or feeling guilty, or feeling ugly or fat, even if it is for just part of thie time, it will give me a chance to focus on some other things, like my boys, then it will be worth it no matter what the outcome.

I Am Not a Rocket Scientist.

I am woman, therefore I am obsessed with my weight.  The two go together:  being a woman and being obsessed with weight, right?  Okay, so maybe it isn't just because I am a woman, but it IS because I am overweight.  This is exacerbated because I am very conscious of fat's ill-effects on one's health and face it - I want to look good!

I have been fighting the weight battle since I graduated high school and spent most of my twenties overweight with the exception of when I married my husband.  I lost weight for my wedding but quickly gained it back.  I had my first son and then ballooned to a number I will not say out loud in conversation nor will I mention it here.  Finally, I decided I didn't want to begin my thirties fat.  I knew that in the shape I was in, I was not living my life to its fullest.

So, I joined Weight Watchers and lost fifty pounds.  And it was easy. Honestly.  I remember that as the pounds came off, I was astonished at how simple it seemed.  I followed the plan and walked a few times a week.  That's it.  After I lost it all, I never felt so good, so beautiful and so energetic.  After a while, though, I did get tired of going to meetings and counting every point, so a few pounds crept back on, but they were nothing I couldn't deal with.

Another beautiful baby boy later, and I am overweight again.  Not fifty pounds but still more than I should be.  My son was born almost two years ago, and despite how simple it was then, it is really hard now.  I can't explain it, but it is.  I have rejoined WW TWICE since his birth.  I just couldn't get myself to count the points and stick on plan, despite how easy I know it is. 

Here I am.  This entry marks a [another] new start.  With my two past attempts under my belt, I won't be going the Weight Watchers route again because of seem to have developed some sort of mental inpass.  It will have to be the old fashioned way:  watching what I put in my mouth and getting my butt moving.  By choosing to write about it here, I'm hoping it will help keep me more accountable.

I've learned certain things work for me:

1.  Before I eat something that doesn't fit into the plan, thinking to myself, "Is it worth it?"

2.  Walking every other day at least.

3.  Drinking LOTS of water.

4.  Writing down what I eat.

See, I know what works, but despite all of my knowledge and experience, this past year and a half have been a struggle.  Seeing the needle on the scale go down, just to go up again makes me want to pull my hair out.  I've thought about just giving up and eating whatever-the-heck I want and not care what size I end up to be.  Then seconds later, I remember how great I felt when I was twenty pounds lighter and all of those clothes in the back of my closet I want to fit into again.

My excuses are many:  I am too busy with the family, work, housekeeping, LIFE.  When I have the time to workout, I choose to take nap because I'm tired.  When I cook, I cook foods that are not necessarily healthy because I "think" they are easier or quicker to make.  In my head, I know these are just excuses, but give me a chance and I can justify every one. 

Really, weight loss isn't rocket science.  It is easy. But, right now, why is it so hard?