10 Years

It has been ten years.

I had just started my job at the Museum, we were still newlyweds living in an apartment in Tampa. And while we were still very much undergoing change in our every day lives - new jobs for both of us, looking for a new house, and no children; neither of us knew just how much our lives and those of the entire country would change in a matter of moments.

Noah was home, he worked in the evenings, and I was already in St. Pete and leaving the coffee shop. Noah called me and told me that a plan had hit the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, "how is that possible?" The furthest thing from my mind was that it was deliberate.

Once at work, I tried to watch coverage on the internet, and got updates from Noah and from the small tv with bad reception in the board room.

All that day and the next and the next, I was glued to the television. I kept trying to look away, to shut it off, but it was impossible. For weeks I was filled with worry, with the images of the planes going into the buildings and the buildings collapsing burned in my brain. I prayed, I cried, I questioned God and his absence. How could he let this happen? So much innocence lost without any cause.

Initially, the nation rallied together. People were more patient and friendly. But eventually that faded. We got caught up in our lives and our busy schedules once again.

For the next few years, I secretly wrestled with God. If one was to ask me, I would have said I was a Christian, that I undeniably had faith in Jesus Christ. But in private, I begged for God to be real to me, for Him to return to me as He was with me before.

Two years later, we decided we would have children. I'm not sure why as we had previously said we didn't want any. So, we had our first boy and five years later our second. They are the light of my life. Once I had my first, I knew just how real God was. And when I had my second, I thanked him for blessing me with so much I didn't deserve.

Today I watched some footage from ten years ago, and the horror and pain I felt was just as sharp as it was then. And while I don't know why 911 occurred and why there is so much suffering, I do know where God is. I know He is very real.

I just have to look at my boys.

Trying Something Different

So, I think there has been a shift in my attitude regarding my weight loss. Since I made my resolutions in January, I've lost a total of three pounds. Sad, right? In truth, I've lost over 10 pounds since then, but gained and lost the same five pounds. I was trying (when I remembered) to use the online Weight Watchers program, but I have a block. For whatever reason, I forget...no....subconsciously refuse to track what I eat. And, since I've lost a heifer-load of weight before on WW, I know that it is the tracking that makes it work. In regards to any moving I've done, it has been sporadic at best. What can I say, I have no excuses for my lack of focus or persistence. Trust me, I want and need to lose at least 25 pounds, so it isn't for a lack of motivation. I have a whole
closet full.

Today, as I was sitting outside watching my boys play, it dawned on me. I'm going to try to lose weight without trying to lose weight. I know it doesn't make sense, and it will likely backfire, but I'm at an impasse. I'm tired of feeling guilty for eating something i shouldn't or for not exercising when i should. I'm tired of self-depricating when I look at myself in the mirror or step on the scale. And while in truth I know that I'm all about the excuses, I am still saying that I've tried everything. For the most part, I make healthy choices when it comes to food and I exercise at least twice a week. For whatever reason I'm on a yo-yo and can't get off.

For better or worse, my weight will do one of three things. It will go up, it will stay the same, or with the grace of God, it will go down.

I am not saying that I'm going to just eat whatever I feel like or become a couch potato. I do have some ground rules.


1. I won't feel guilty when I throw away the food my kid's don't eat, nor will I try a bite or two of their mac and cheese.


2. I am going to restrict myself to wine only once a week (God help me).


3. I will drink more water.


4. I will eat more fruits and veggies.


5. I will eat less meat.


6. I will eat less sweets or other foods that have no nutritional value.


7. I will only weigh myself once a week and not every time I enter the bathroom.


8. I will walk/do some cardio at east four times a week.


9. I will do yoga at least once a week.


10. I will eat smaller portions and always leave food on my plate.


I have no fantasies that I will end up losing all the weight I want or will go down a few sizes. In fact I'm not very optimistic at this point. However, this is still the best option for me. If I can get away from obsessing about my weight, or feeling guilty, or feeling ugly or fat, even if it is for just part of thie time, it will give me a chance to focus on some other things, like my boys, then it will be worth it no matter what the outcome.