10 Years

It has been ten years.

I had just started my job at the Museum, we were still newlyweds living in an apartment in Tampa. And while we were still very much undergoing change in our every day lives - new jobs for both of us, looking for a new house, and no children; neither of us knew just how much our lives and those of the entire country would change in a matter of moments.

Noah was home, he worked in the evenings, and I was already in St. Pete and leaving the coffee shop. Noah called me and told me that a plan had hit the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, "how is that possible?" The furthest thing from my mind was that it was deliberate.

Once at work, I tried to watch coverage on the internet, and got updates from Noah and from the small tv with bad reception in the board room.

All that day and the next and the next, I was glued to the television. I kept trying to look away, to shut it off, but it was impossible. For weeks I was filled with worry, with the images of the planes going into the buildings and the buildings collapsing burned in my brain. I prayed, I cried, I questioned God and his absence. How could he let this happen? So much innocence lost without any cause.

Initially, the nation rallied together. People were more patient and friendly. But eventually that faded. We got caught up in our lives and our busy schedules once again.

For the next few years, I secretly wrestled with God. If one was to ask me, I would have said I was a Christian, that I undeniably had faith in Jesus Christ. But in private, I begged for God to be real to me, for Him to return to me as He was with me before.

Two years later, we decided we would have children. I'm not sure why as we had previously said we didn't want any. So, we had our first boy and five years later our second. They are the light of my life. Once I had my first, I knew just how real God was. And when I had my second, I thanked him for blessing me with so much I didn't deserve.

Today I watched some footage from ten years ago, and the horror and pain I felt was just as sharp as it was then. And while I don't know why 911 occurred and why there is so much suffering, I do know where God is. I know He is very real.

I just have to look at my boys.