Reading the few blogs I've posted would make it obvious that I struggle with my weight and with my self-image. I last posted that I was quitting weight watchers and striking out on my own. My hope was to simply, casually watch what I eat, not obsess over the scale and move more.
Let's just say that I'm still working on all three and may be considering WW meetings once again.
In this weightloss journey, I have experienced my share of days that I've looked at myself in the mirror and when I didn't like what I saw, I cursed and called myself several names. I walked away from the mirror feeling ugly, worthless and like a failure. I question why I can't be blessed with a faster metabolism, or grab my belly in disgust, or berate myself at my lack of willpower.
But then I heard this song "Beautiful" by Gungor. The words are simple and pure. "You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of us." It took a few times of hearing those words for it to sink in. Regardless of what I see in the mirror and regardless of what the world sees or what it perceives as beautiful, I was made and am continually being made...beautiful by a perfect God that doesn't make mistakes.
Now that is not to say that every time I look in the mirror or get on the scale, I like what I see. That would be ridiculously optimistic. But when I hear that song or remember its chorus, it helps me to put things in perspective.
Arming myself with what is new knowledge to me, I know that I was lovingly made by God and when I was made I know that he looked at me as only a father could and called me beautiful.
...
Hear Gungor's song Here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
10 Years
It has been ten years.
I had just started my job at the Museum, we were still newlyweds living in an apartment in Tampa. And while we were still very much undergoing change in our every day lives - new jobs for both of us, looking for a new house, and no children; neither of us knew just how much our lives and those of the entire country would change in a matter of moments.
Noah was home, he worked in the evenings, and I was already in St. Pete and leaving the coffee shop. Noah called me and told me that a plan had hit the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, "how is that possible?" The furthest thing from my mind was that it was deliberate.
Once at work, I tried to watch coverage on the internet, and got updates from Noah and from the small tv with bad reception in the board room.
All that day and the next and the next, I was glued to the television. I kept trying to look away, to shut it off, but it was impossible. For weeks I was filled with worry, with the images of the planes going into the buildings and the buildings collapsing burned in my brain. I prayed, I cried, I questioned God and his absence. How could he let this happen? So much innocence lost without any cause.
Initially, the nation rallied together. People were more patient and friendly. But eventually that faded. We got caught up in our lives and our busy schedules once again.
For the next few years, I secretly wrestled with God. If one was to ask me, I would have said I was a Christian, that I undeniably had faith in Jesus Christ. But in private, I begged for God to be real to me, for Him to return to me as He was with me before.
Two years later, we decided we would have children. I'm not sure why as we had previously said we didn't want any. So, we had our first boy and five years later our second. They are the light of my life. Once I had my first, I knew just how real God was. And when I had my second, I thanked him for blessing me with so much I didn't deserve.
Today I watched some footage from ten years ago, and the horror and pain I felt was just as sharp as it was then. And while I don't know why 911 occurred and why there is so much suffering, I do know where God is. I know He is very real.
I just have to look at my boys.
I had just started my job at the Museum, we were still newlyweds living in an apartment in Tampa. And while we were still very much undergoing change in our every day lives - new jobs for both of us, looking for a new house, and no children; neither of us knew just how much our lives and those of the entire country would change in a matter of moments.
Noah was home, he worked in the evenings, and I was already in St. Pete and leaving the coffee shop. Noah called me and told me that a plan had hit the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, "how is that possible?" The furthest thing from my mind was that it was deliberate.
Once at work, I tried to watch coverage on the internet, and got updates from Noah and from the small tv with bad reception in the board room.
All that day and the next and the next, I was glued to the television. I kept trying to look away, to shut it off, but it was impossible. For weeks I was filled with worry, with the images of the planes going into the buildings and the buildings collapsing burned in my brain. I prayed, I cried, I questioned God and his absence. How could he let this happen? So much innocence lost without any cause.
Initially, the nation rallied together. People were more patient and friendly. But eventually that faded. We got caught up in our lives and our busy schedules once again.
For the next few years, I secretly wrestled with God. If one was to ask me, I would have said I was a Christian, that I undeniably had faith in Jesus Christ. But in private, I begged for God to be real to me, for Him to return to me as He was with me before.
Two years later, we decided we would have children. I'm not sure why as we had previously said we didn't want any. So, we had our first boy and five years later our second. They are the light of my life. Once I had my first, I knew just how real God was. And when I had my second, I thanked him for blessing me with so much I didn't deserve.
Today I watched some footage from ten years ago, and the horror and pain I felt was just as sharp as it was then. And while I don't know why 911 occurred and why there is so much suffering, I do know where God is. I know He is very real.
I just have to look at my boys.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Trying Something Different
So, I think there has been a shift in my attitude regarding my weight loss. Since I made my resolutions in January, I've lost a total of three pounds. Sad, right? In truth, I've lost over 10 pounds since then, but gained and lost the same five pounds. I was trying (when I remembered) to use the online Weight Watchers program, but I have a block. For whatever reason, I forget...no....subconsciously refuse to track what I eat. And, since I've lost a heifer-load of weight before on WW, I know that it is the tracking that makes it work. In regards to any moving I've done, it has been sporadic at best. What can I say, I have no excuses for my lack of focus or persistence. Trust me, I want and need to lose at least 25 pounds, so it isn't for a lack of motivation. I have a whole
closet full.
Today, as I was sitting outside watching my boys play, it dawned on me. I'm going to try to lose weight without trying to lose weight. I know it doesn't make sense, and it will likely backfire, but I'm at an impasse. I'm tired of feeling guilty for eating something i shouldn't or for not exercising when i should. I'm tired of self-depricating when I look at myself in the mirror or step on the scale. And while in truth I know that I'm all about the excuses, I am still saying that I've tried everything. For the most part, I make healthy choices when it comes to food and I exercise at least twice a week. For whatever reason I'm on a yo-yo and can't get off.
For better or worse, my weight will do one of three things. It will go up, it will stay the same, or with the grace of God, it will go down.
I am not saying that I'm going to just eat whatever I feel like or become a couch potato. I do have some ground rules.
1. I won't feel guilty when I throw away the food my kid's don't eat, nor will I try a bite or two of their mac and cheese.
2. I am going to restrict myself to wine only once a week (God help me).
3. I will drink more water.
4. I will eat more fruits and veggies.
5. I will eat less meat.
6. I will eat less sweets or other foods that have no nutritional value.
7. I will only weigh myself once a week and not every time I enter the bathroom.
8. I will walk/do some cardio at east four times a week.
9. I will do yoga at least once a week.
10. I will eat smaller portions and always leave food on my plate.
I have no fantasies that I will end up losing all the weight I want or will go down a few sizes. In fact I'm not very optimistic at this point. However, this is still the best option for me. If I can get away from obsessing about my weight, or feeling guilty, or feeling ugly or fat, even if it is for just part of thie time, it will give me a chance to focus on some other things, like my boys, then it will be worth it no matter what the outcome.
closet full.
Today, as I was sitting outside watching my boys play, it dawned on me. I'm going to try to lose weight without trying to lose weight. I know it doesn't make sense, and it will likely backfire, but I'm at an impasse. I'm tired of feeling guilty for eating something i shouldn't or for not exercising when i should. I'm tired of self-depricating when I look at myself in the mirror or step on the scale. And while in truth I know that I'm all about the excuses, I am still saying that I've tried everything. For the most part, I make healthy choices when it comes to food and I exercise at least twice a week. For whatever reason I'm on a yo-yo and can't get off.
For better or worse, my weight will do one of three things. It will go up, it will stay the same, or with the grace of God, it will go down.
I am not saying that I'm going to just eat whatever I feel like or become a couch potato. I do have some ground rules.
1. I won't feel guilty when I throw away the food my kid's don't eat, nor will I try a bite or two of their mac and cheese.
2. I am going to restrict myself to wine only once a week (God help me).
3. I will drink more water.
4. I will eat more fruits and veggies.
5. I will eat less meat.
6. I will eat less sweets or other foods that have no nutritional value.
7. I will only weigh myself once a week and not every time I enter the bathroom.
8. I will walk/do some cardio at east four times a week.
9. I will do yoga at least once a week.
10. I will eat smaller portions and always leave food on my plate.
I have no fantasies that I will end up losing all the weight I want or will go down a few sizes. In fact I'm not very optimistic at this point. However, this is still the best option for me. If I can get away from obsessing about my weight, or feeling guilty, or feeling ugly or fat, even if it is for just part of thie time, it will give me a chance to focus on some other things, like my boys, then it will be worth it no matter what the outcome.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Road Trip
Today we took a road trip to North Carolina for a 6 day vacation. I have fabulous memories of road trips from our small town in Maine to visit relatives in New York. I remember sitting in the backseat amongst all of the road trip imperatives - my book, a blanket and pillow, and snacks. We would stop only to use the bathroom and then take a ferry - which always seemed so adventurous - from Connecticut to Long Island. Our once-a-year trips remain some of my best childhood memories.
Our road trip, was slightly different. My man, my boys and I started out the drive at 4 am still under the cover of darkness.
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We were followed by our best friend and her teenage son as they would be joining us in NC. Our plan was to drive until it was time for breakfast and then not stop again till lunch. All in all, we stopped no less than 6 times.
We stopped to use the restroom. We stopped to get breakfast - at McDonalds and at Dunkin Donuts (to please all of the palattes). We stopped to use the restroom again. We stopped to get our youngest a burger, and to use the bathroom. We stopped again to get lunch. We stopped to get gas. We stopped to get directions. You get the picture.
Our boys went through various stages of excitement, sleepiness, irritability, and histeria. Liam even began nibbling on his big toe and then using it as you would your forefinger to move your lips up and down to make the noise -bibibibibibibb...
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It all climaxed when we pulled up at our destination talking in our best southern accents and laughing out load. I think my oldest boy is permanently scarred from the experience. Not bad for a 12 hours.
We were followed by our best friend and her teenage son as they would be joining us in NC. Our plan was to drive until it was time for breakfast and then not stop again till lunch. All in all, we stopped no less than 6 times.
We stopped to use the restroom. We stopped to get breakfast - at McDonalds and at Dunkin Donuts (to please all of the palattes). We stopped to use the restroom again. We stopped to get our youngest a burger, and to use the bathroom. We stopped again to get lunch. We stopped to get gas. We stopped to get directions. You get the picture.
Our boys went through various stages of excitement, sleepiness, irritability, and histeria. Liam even began nibbling on his big toe and then using it as you would your forefinger to move your lips up and down to make the noise -bibibibibibibb...
It all climaxed when we pulled up at our destination talking in our best southern accents and laughing out load. I think my oldest boy is permanently scarred from the experience. Not bad for a 12 hours.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
On Forgiveness
Recently, I had the opportunity to attend two events which had a similar focus: forgiveness. One event was a film screening of Fambul Tok, a documentary about an effort in Sierra Leone to bring together perpetrators and their victims in order to not only reconcile the individuals but also the communities they live in. The other event featured a victim of genocidal acts in the Congo, named Rose Mapendo, who in spite of her husband being tortured and executed and herself and her children being starved, tortured and held captive in a death camp, has forgiven the murderers of her husband and her captors. So, this is not forgiving a lie, nor is it forgiving a theft or a cheat, but this is forgiving the worst kind of wrong.
Since the events I've spoken with a few others who also attended. Many of these people said that there is no way they could forgive these type of crimes. They said this with strong conviction. Not only would their be no forgiveness on their part, but there should be no forgiveness from anyone for these horrible crimes.
And I understand their position. I do.
Murder deserves no forgiveness. Rape deserves no forgiveness. Tearing an infant from his mother deserves no forgiveness.
I thank God that I do not have to forgive something so horrible; to forgive something like the murder of a loved one is inconceivable. However, I know, that if my life was ripped apart by such atrocities I would have to find a to forgive the perpetrators rigardless of my pain and loss.
When Rose spoke, she said that, "when we forgive, we forgive for ourselves." And it is true. Often, a perpetrator of such horrible acts is so cold that they do not care if they are forgiven by their victim, let alone by God. But what happens when we hold on to that unforgiveness? I happen to think, that in whatever space in our hearts that unforgiveness remains, it turns into regret, anger or hate. These cannot coexist with true happiness. True peace cannot live side by side with anger and hate.
So...real forgiveness is a gift. Being able to offer forgiveness for any wrong is a gift from God. Where else does true grace come from? And when we are the wrong-doers, being offered forgiveness from the one we've wronged is a gift like no other. Forgiveness leads to more gifts: peace, healing and real happiness.
Since the events I've spoken with a few others who also attended. Many of these people said that there is no way they could forgive these type of crimes. They said this with strong conviction. Not only would their be no forgiveness on their part, but there should be no forgiveness from anyone for these horrible crimes.
And I understand their position. I do.
Murder deserves no forgiveness. Rape deserves no forgiveness. Tearing an infant from his mother deserves no forgiveness.
I thank God that I do not have to forgive something so horrible; to forgive something like the murder of a loved one is inconceivable. However, I know, that if my life was ripped apart by such atrocities I would have to find a to forgive the perpetrators rigardless of my pain and loss.
When Rose spoke, she said that, "when we forgive, we forgive for ourselves." And it is true. Often, a perpetrator of such horrible acts is so cold that they do not care if they are forgiven by their victim, let alone by God. But what happens when we hold on to that unforgiveness? I happen to think, that in whatever space in our hearts that unforgiveness remains, it turns into regret, anger or hate. These cannot coexist with true happiness. True peace cannot live side by side with anger and hate.
So...real forgiveness is a gift. Being able to offer forgiveness for any wrong is a gift from God. Where else does true grace come from? And when we are the wrong-doers, being offered forgiveness from the one we've wronged is a gift like no other. Forgiveness leads to more gifts: peace, healing and real happiness.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I'd Do It Again.
Yesterday, my little man competed in his first ever karate tournament. We are apprehensive: I, because I was "making" him take part, and he, because he said he wasn't a good fighter.
He has been taking karate at an afterschool program for more than two years, since he was in kindergarten and is a "brown belt-black stripe" (one below black belt). However, he has never been in a tournament. When I asked him weeks ago if he wanted to fight in the tournament, he excitedly said yes.
Things changed as the day got closer. Earlier this week, when I asked my little man if he was getting excited about the tournament, he told me he didn't want to fight. Ugh... So, what's a good mother to do? Lie, of course! I quickly thought to tell him, "Too bad, I already signed you up and paid the entrance fee."
Yesterday morning came and we were there just a few minutes after the doors opened. It was in a recreation center gym, but transformed by mats surrounded by chairs, however, there weren't so many set up that I thought might intimidate him.
He first insisted on putting his fighting gear on, even though the fighting was the last event to occur. He waited with the other kids for his turn in the ring. I breathed a sigh of relief that he seemed to be calm and not the least bit nervous.
And when he stepped into the ring, and "touched gloves" with his opponent, I should have been thinking, "I hope my baby doesn't get hurt." or "Be careful." I was thinking, "Punch him! Kick him!" "Kick harder!" Of course, I can't cheer him on by shouting those things aloud for the other parents to hear, so instead, I shouted silly things that don't really make sense, now that I think about it, like, "Get in there!"
He ended the fighting competition after fighting in twice, winning one and losing one. They lined the kids up, and all I was thinking was, "Please get a trophy!!" Otherwise, I could see him never participating in a tournament again.
To his (and my) delight, he received THIRD PLACE in fighting for his age and level group!!!
For this, I would lie to him all over again!! (Just joking. Or not.)
He has been taking karate at an afterschool program for more than two years, since he was in kindergarten and is a "brown belt-black stripe" (one below black belt). However, he has never been in a tournament. When I asked him weeks ago if he wanted to fight in the tournament, he excitedly said yes.
Things changed as the day got closer. Earlier this week, when I asked my little man if he was getting excited about the tournament, he told me he didn't want to fight. Ugh... So, what's a good mother to do? Lie, of course! I quickly thought to tell him, "Too bad, I already signed you up and paid the entrance fee."
He ended the fighting competition after fighting in twice, winning one and losing one. They lined the kids up, and all I was thinking was, "Please get a trophy!!" Otherwise, I could see him never participating in a tournament again.
To his (and my) delight, he received THIRD PLACE in fighting for his age and level group!!!
Monday, January 10, 2011
More Than Just Numbers
When I last posted, I reluctantly posted that I was "happy" about my over three pound weight loss. And I was. Really.
Today, I feel a need to write down other non-scale benefits I have noticed because there are noted differences in myself:
1. I have more energy. I've noticed that throughout the course of the day, I'm not having energy ups and downs. I feel a pretty steady stream of energy. Now, I'm not saying that I wouldn't love a cup of coffee at around 3pm but still eating better really has made a difference.
2. For whatever reason I am enjoying, and even craving, fruit more. I don't know how many times in recent months I have looked into the produce drawer of my fridge at whatever chosen fruits and veggies I had bought at the store with good intentions, only to quickly close the drawer with nothing in my hand. But now I am actually thinking crazy things like, "Cold grapes would be really refreshing right about now," or "I could really go for some kiwi." (As an aside, right now I am obsessed with kiwi. It has been my chosen fruit for a few days now. I have to buy some tomorrow.)
3. I feel determined. I feel more confident in myself and my capability to make better choices.
4. I am eating less. I don't know if it is some psychological thing or really some sort of physiological change in me, but I've changed my portions and now, I fill up faster on smaller amounts than what I was eating pre-1/1/11.
These are some non-scale victories this week - looking forward to scale victories now.
Today, I feel a need to write down other non-scale benefits I have noticed because there are noted differences in myself:
1. I have more energy. I've noticed that throughout the course of the day, I'm not having energy ups and downs. I feel a pretty steady stream of energy. Now, I'm not saying that I wouldn't love a cup of coffee at around 3pm but still eating better really has made a difference.
2. For whatever reason I am enjoying, and even craving, fruit more. I don't know how many times in recent months I have looked into the produce drawer of my fridge at whatever chosen fruits and veggies I had bought at the store with good intentions, only to quickly close the drawer with nothing in my hand. But now I am actually thinking crazy things like, "Cold grapes would be really refreshing right about now," or "I could really go for some kiwi." (As an aside, right now I am obsessed with kiwi. It has been my chosen fruit for a few days now. I have to buy some tomorrow.)
3. I feel determined. I feel more confident in myself and my capability to make better choices.
4. I am eating less. I don't know if it is some psychological thing or really some sort of physiological change in me, but I've changed my portions and now, I fill up faster on smaller amounts than what I was eating pre-1/1/11.
These are some non-scale victories this week - looking forward to scale victories now.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
New Year, New Plan.
It has been one week since I restarted Weight Watchers. I will begin by posting a before pic that I took last Saturday:
Now if I had been smart, I'd have at least dolled myself up a bit - put some makeup on, better fitting clothes and put a brush through my hair. However, I was all gung-ho about getting started that I wanted to take the photo right away and did not think about the consequences.
Ick.
Here's another:
I think in this photo I was joking around with my man saying that I will make myself look even more fat but pushing my stomach out. I don't think I needed to do that.
So back to the whole WW thing. They have this new PointsPlus program which I am not used to. The previous plan I was fine with - I had mastered it (despite the appearance of the above photos). This new one takes some getting used to.
I have more points that I would have with the old plan. When I first saw this, I was like "Cool!" But then my excitement turned to disappointment when I calculated my first meal. It came out to a bit more under the PointsPlus program than it would have under the previous one.
All that being said, I lost 3.4 pounds this week. Truth be told, I was a little discouraged when I stepped on my scale expecting around 5 pounds gone (my last two "first weeks" produced 8 and 5 pound weight losses). On the other hand, I really am happy that I did lose weight. I am just now thinking it won't be as easy as it was in the past and I will have to work at it a bit more.
So what am I going to do differently next week? I am going to start walking - I want to try to get at least 3 30 minute walks in between now and next Saturday. More would be better, but I'm trying to go easy on myself. (Like I haven't been? Again, see above photos!) Next week I'll gladly take another 3 pounds off.
Now if I had been smart, I'd have at least dolled myself up a bit - put some makeup on, better fitting clothes and put a brush through my hair. However, I was all gung-ho about getting started that I wanted to take the photo right away and did not think about the consequences.
Ick.
Here's another:
I think in this photo I was joking around with my man saying that I will make myself look even more fat but pushing my stomach out. I don't think I needed to do that.
So back to the whole WW thing. They have this new PointsPlus program which I am not used to. The previous plan I was fine with - I had mastered it (despite the appearance of the above photos). This new one takes some getting used to.
I have more points that I would have with the old plan. When I first saw this, I was like "Cool!" But then my excitement turned to disappointment when I calculated my first meal. It came out to a bit more under the PointsPlus program than it would have under the previous one.
All that being said, I lost 3.4 pounds this week. Truth be told, I was a little discouraged when I stepped on my scale expecting around 5 pounds gone (my last two "first weeks" produced 8 and 5 pound weight losses). On the other hand, I really am happy that I did lose weight. I am just now thinking it won't be as easy as it was in the past and I will have to work at it a bit more.
So what am I going to do differently next week? I am going to start walking - I want to try to get at least 3 30 minute walks in between now and next Saturday. More would be better, but I'm trying to go easy on myself. (Like I haven't been? Again, see above photos!) Next week I'll gladly take another 3 pounds off.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Are all bloggers posting their New Year's Resolutions today? I am. It is the morning of 1/1/11 - what a great day to make a fresh start! I write this list as I sip my morning coffee. I already feel that I have accomplished something but putting pen to paper...er, fingers to keyboard.
Now let me preface this list of things I want to accomplish in 2011 by saying that I know all of the "experts" say it is best to keep your list short so it isn't overwhelming and so that it is easily attainable. However, I can't help it. There are A LOT of things I want to happen this year and for all of those "experts" - if I accomplish some or most of them this year, it would make next year's resolution list shorter.
Here goes:
1. Top o' the list: I want to lose weight. Specifically, I NEED to lose 28.6 pounds. But just to make it an odd number - my goal is 30.6 pounds. And, since I've done it before (and I have beautiful clothes in my closet to prove it), I really do know I can get rid of those extra pounds. It is important to me for a number of reasons: my cholesterol is high and I know losing it would help lower the cholesterol. I can totally feel the difference in my body, my ease of movement, my energy levels, the way I sleep. Finally, I want to look good - is that too much to ask?
I'm going to do it by using the Weight Watchers system yet again. Only this time, I'm only going to use the e-tools without the meetings. We'll see how this goes. I will post more on this tomorrow.
2. Organize my life: our hall closet, our junk drawer, MY closet, MY TIME. I've gotta do it. I wish I was organized NOW. My brain needs it and is calling out for it. I know it will be good good for my family too.
3. Spend more time with God. I want to get carve myself some time out of my day to spend reading my way through the Bible, writing about what I read and praying.
4. I resolve to blog more often. I know I have only written a handful of posts, that no one really is interested, but you know what - I realized I am writing for me. I also realized that it helps me organize my head and think things through.
5. Read More. 'nuf said.
Now that I've written this list - I realize it isn't a list a mile long! In getting it typed out I feel determined. I have already made a plan in my head for each resolution and I am ready to put those plans into action. But first, I must finish my coffee.
Now let me preface this list of things I want to accomplish in 2011 by saying that I know all of the "experts" say it is best to keep your list short so it isn't overwhelming and so that it is easily attainable. However, I can't help it. There are A LOT of things I want to happen this year and for all of those "experts" - if I accomplish some or most of them this year, it would make next year's resolution list shorter.
Here goes:
1. Top o' the list: I want to lose weight. Specifically, I NEED to lose 28.6 pounds. But just to make it an odd number - my goal is 30.6 pounds. And, since I've done it before (and I have beautiful clothes in my closet to prove it), I really do know I can get rid of those extra pounds. It is important to me for a number of reasons: my cholesterol is high and I know losing it would help lower the cholesterol. I can totally feel the difference in my body, my ease of movement, my energy levels, the way I sleep. Finally, I want to look good - is that too much to ask?
I'm going to do it by using the Weight Watchers system yet again. Only this time, I'm only going to use the e-tools without the meetings. We'll see how this goes. I will post more on this tomorrow.
2. Organize my life: our hall closet, our junk drawer, MY closet, MY TIME. I've gotta do it. I wish I was organized NOW. My brain needs it and is calling out for it. I know it will be good good for my family too.
3. Spend more time with God. I want to get carve myself some time out of my day to spend reading my way through the Bible, writing about what I read and praying.
4. I resolve to blog more often. I know I have only written a handful of posts, that no one really is interested, but you know what - I realized I am writing for me. I also realized that it helps me organize my head and think things through.
5. Read More. 'nuf said.
Now that I've written this list - I realize it isn't a list a mile long! In getting it typed out I feel determined. I have already made a plan in my head for each resolution and I am ready to put those plans into action. But first, I must finish my coffee.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Resolving to Resolve
I have this week off from work to spend with my kids and to mentally prepare for New Year's. No, I am not planning on partying so hard that I have to get myself psyched up for it. I am getting ready for my resolutions which I will start on day one of the new year and not a moment later (or earlier). So this week I am resolving to resolve.
Inevitably, one of my resolutions will be to address this weight problem I have. So, guess what I am doing to prepare for the diet on 1/1/11? Eating of course!! Yesterday I made whoopie pies - wonderful chocolate cake-cookies with a slab of white sugary icing between them. Now normally even when I am cheating, I would have only the smallest one, and only one. But yesterday I had TWO. I ate one right after I finished frosting the little chocolate sandwiches and one right before bed with a glass of ice cold skim milk. Along with the whoopie pies I have also munched on lots of things I wouldn't regularly eat - brie, spanikopita, gelato, egg salad and on and on.
I've also been contemplating rearranging my fridge and my cabinets to assist in my healthy eating resolution. (This too will help with another resolution on my list - to get organized). I have been trying to think up a way that I can reorganize my kitchen cabinets to make it easier for me to munch healthier. Should I only store the low-cal stuff up front? Put the bad junk in the back? Should I place "my food" on one side and the boys' foods on the other?
Since being more organized will be on my list, I've been making a mental checklist of all of the things in my home and at work that need to be fixed, rearranged, filed or trashed. It is mind-boggling so I will have to resolved to try not to think of this until the first day of 2011.
Working on my spiritual self will be there too - so I've been searching online for a good Bible Study book to use. Plus I've been trying think of my time - what is the best time of the day to spend praying and reading and the like as opposed to spending it with my kids or exercising or blogging?
Then there is this blog - if you could even call it that. I've only posted a handful of thoughts which have been sporadic at best. I've been trying to decide if I should "theme" by blog and only write about certain topics instead of the first thing that comes to mind or should I just keep it as is with a more faithful schedule of posts? I'd like to decide what I will do with it and then on 1/1 start doing it with more fervor.
My list of things to change in the New Year will be much longer, but these are what I've been mulling over in my brain. I am looking forward to a clean slate, solutions, more time with my family, new discoveries and lots of positivity.
Inevitably, one of my resolutions will be to address this weight problem I have. So, guess what I am doing to prepare for the diet on 1/1/11? Eating of course!! Yesterday I made whoopie pies - wonderful chocolate cake-cookies with a slab of white sugary icing between them. Now normally even when I am cheating, I would have only the smallest one, and only one. But yesterday I had TWO. I ate one right after I finished frosting the little chocolate sandwiches and one right before bed with a glass of ice cold skim milk. Along with the whoopie pies I have also munched on lots of things I wouldn't regularly eat - brie, spanikopita, gelato, egg salad and on and on.
I've also been contemplating rearranging my fridge and my cabinets to assist in my healthy eating resolution. (This too will help with another resolution on my list - to get organized). I have been trying to think up a way that I can reorganize my kitchen cabinets to make it easier for me to munch healthier. Should I only store the low-cal stuff up front? Put the bad junk in the back? Should I place "my food" on one side and the boys' foods on the other?
Since being more organized will be on my list, I've been making a mental checklist of all of the things in my home and at work that need to be fixed, rearranged, filed or trashed. It is mind-boggling so I will have to resolved to try not to think of this until the first day of 2011.
Working on my spiritual self will be there too - so I've been searching online for a good Bible Study book to use. Plus I've been trying think of my time - what is the best time of the day to spend praying and reading and the like as opposed to spending it with my kids or exercising or blogging?
Then there is this blog - if you could even call it that. I've only posted a handful of thoughts which have been sporadic at best. I've been trying to decide if I should "theme" by blog and only write about certain topics instead of the first thing that comes to mind or should I just keep it as is with a more faithful schedule of posts? I'd like to decide what I will do with it and then on 1/1 start doing it with more fervor.
My list of things to change in the New Year will be much longer, but these are what I've been mulling over in my brain. I am looking forward to a clean slate, solutions, more time with my family, new discoveries and lots of positivity.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Uncle Patrick
Growing up, I thought you were the coolest person I knew. You would drive up and visit us in Maine with your ripped jeans and motorcycle jacket, always chewing on a toothpick. You were "Danny Zucco" cool. I had to have a jacket just like yours, I wanted to be just like you. I would always roll my eyes when you called me "SchmErin" - it was a baby name and I hated it. What I would give to hear it now.
I remember laughing and laughing when you took Shannon and I out for McDonalds. You joked that you would tie me to the bumper for the ride home. I'm not sure what prompted this empty threat, but we all thought it was funny, until I cried.
I heard my mother's hushed phonecalls with your sisters about your struggle with addiction. It had such a strong hold on you. None of us fully understood it nor could ever comprehend how binding it was.
For a time, you were sober, and accomplished so much. After you graduated from culinary school, when we visited New York or when you visited us in Maine, you would cook for us. My adolescent sense of taste was no match for your mako shark or falafel, but how I loved your cream puffs stuffed with strawberries and pastry cream. We visited you in Manhattan where you had the tiniest of apartments and worked in the hippest, dive restaurants in the Bowery. You took us around the city, showing us all the sites - you were NEVER cooler.
I know that the demon never quite let go, and that hard life weakened your heart, already marred by genetics. You battled with heart disease, suffering heart attacks and undergoing surgeries. Later, everytime I saw you, you were paler, weaker, and older than you should have been.
Last week, God called you to Heaven. Now I know, people always say this when someone they love, passes from this world as a way of comforting themselves. But really, I don't think that phrase could be any truer than now. For all of your adult life, He watched you fight that demon, as it and the heart disease took its toll on your body and spirit. God knew it was time. Time for your family to stop worrying despite the initial despair we feel right now. It was time for you to be in a place where there would be no more fight with an unsatisfied yearning and nothing to hold you but His love. In short, it is time for you to be whole.
I take heart, knowing that I will see you again, restored and your spirit will be finally at peace.
Until then, stay cool.
I remember laughing and laughing when you took Shannon and I out for McDonalds. You joked that you would tie me to the bumper for the ride home. I'm not sure what prompted this empty threat, but we all thought it was funny, until I cried.
I heard my mother's hushed phonecalls with your sisters about your struggle with addiction. It had such a strong hold on you. None of us fully understood it nor could ever comprehend how binding it was.
For a time, you were sober, and accomplished so much. After you graduated from culinary school, when we visited New York or when you visited us in Maine, you would cook for us. My adolescent sense of taste was no match for your mako shark or falafel, but how I loved your cream puffs stuffed with strawberries and pastry cream. We visited you in Manhattan where you had the tiniest of apartments and worked in the hippest, dive restaurants in the Bowery. You took us around the city, showing us all the sites - you were NEVER cooler.
I know that the demon never quite let go, and that hard life weakened your heart, already marred by genetics. You battled with heart disease, suffering heart attacks and undergoing surgeries. Later, everytime I saw you, you were paler, weaker, and older than you should have been.
Last week, God called you to Heaven. Now I know, people always say this when someone they love, passes from this world as a way of comforting themselves. But really, I don't think that phrase could be any truer than now. For all of your adult life, He watched you fight that demon, as it and the heart disease took its toll on your body and spirit. God knew it was time. Time for your family to stop worrying despite the initial despair we feel right now. It was time for you to be in a place where there would be no more fight with an unsatisfied yearning and nothing to hold you but His love. In short, it is time for you to be whole.
I take heart, knowing that I will see you again, restored and your spirit will be finally at peace.
Until then, stay cool.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Meal Planner
Is it just me, or does every working mom hate this time of day? You know, around 4:30 pm when suddenly you realize, "Crap! I forgot to take something out for dinner!" or something along those lines. It would be different, of course, if I were one of those moms who has something I whipped together a week ago, as a "just in case", in the freezer. But I'm not. Nor will I ever be. I'd even venture a guess to say that most working moms aren't either.
So, what's a girl to do? I could make breakfast for dinner. No thawing needed. However, this takes a trip to the store to buy a few supplies. I could thaw some chicken in the microwave, but I hate the way the edges cook during the unthawing process and I inevitably end up with a slab of meat that is tough in some places. We could have a meatless dinner, but again, no matter how I look at it, I have to go to the store. Of course, there is always the takeout option - pizza or Chinese or some other restaurant. For me, that is a last ditch option since most are full of fat and calories.
Week after week, I say to myself that I will plan my meals out which I NEVER do. Actually, that's not true. I tried it once and it lasted for about 2.2 days when I ended up forgetting to cook what I was supposed to cook.
I think I've come to that time in this post when I should have come up with some logical solution that should be helpful, not only to me, but to anyone who would read this. But guess what? I've got NOTHING.
Looks like I'm heading to the grocery store after work.
So, what's a girl to do? I could make breakfast for dinner. No thawing needed. However, this takes a trip to the store to buy a few supplies. I could thaw some chicken in the microwave, but I hate the way the edges cook during the unthawing process and I inevitably end up with a slab of meat that is tough in some places. We could have a meatless dinner, but again, no matter how I look at it, I have to go to the store. Of course, there is always the takeout option - pizza or Chinese or some other restaurant. For me, that is a last ditch option since most are full of fat and calories.
Week after week, I say to myself that I will plan my meals out which I NEVER do. Actually, that's not true. I tried it once and it lasted for about 2.2 days when I ended up forgetting to cook what I was supposed to cook.
I think I've come to that time in this post when I should have come up with some logical solution that should be helpful, not only to me, but to anyone who would read this. But guess what? I've got NOTHING.
Looks like I'm heading to the grocery store after work.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Today is Thanksgiving, so, as I am sure many bloggers are doing, I am posting the things in my life for which I am most thankful. The following are listed in no particular order.
1. I am so thankful for my renewed relationship with God. While I never lost my faith, I did lose sight of how important the presence of that relationship is in everything I do. I am so thankful for the peace it has given me and the insight He has given me so that I know what is truly important and what is not.
2. Where would I be without an amazing husband who loves me so much? I never want to take for granted how wonderful it is to love and to be loved by a truly wonderful person.
3. My first-born son - his laugh is good for my soul. He is so sweet and lovable still. Please stay this way forever.
4. I am thankful for red wine. mmmmmmm....
5. My last-born son - his mischievous laugh/growl and silly faces make me weak.
6. I am thankful that we have what we need. I see so many people in need of a place to live, food to eat or simply a friendly face and more often than I like to admit, take what we have for granted. I want to thank God everyday for all of the little things.
7. Stanley, my basset, spinning in circles. It cracks me up every time.
8. Christmas coming up - I love everything about it!
9. My baby's doll-like "mama". It always makes me smile.
10. My BFF - thanks for being there!
11. I am so thankful that my man can fix ANYTHING, whether it is in the house or in the car. (Unless it is the kitchen faucet - that one is giving him some trouble).
12. I am grateful for my family - I have learned so much for my parents - they have taught me selflessness, love, and sacrifice. I am also thankful for my sister - I am glad for who she is and is becoming.
13. Red wine (oh, wait, I think I said that!) Well then, red wine AND dark chocolate. A pair made in Heaven.
14. For each of my nieces and nephews - while I was close to them when they were a lot younger - I am thankful that I am back in touch (thanks to FB). I am so happy they are each so beautiful and good human beings.
15. I am so thankful for each and every blessing in our lives - small and large, trivial and tremendous. I am so fortunate and I don't say so often enough.
Today is a day we give thanks and spend time with those most important to us. Everyday should be like this!
1. I am so thankful for my renewed relationship with God. While I never lost my faith, I did lose sight of how important the presence of that relationship is in everything I do. I am so thankful for the peace it has given me and the insight He has given me so that I know what is truly important and what is not.
2. Where would I be without an amazing husband who loves me so much? I never want to take for granted how wonderful it is to love and to be loved by a truly wonderful person.
3. My first-born son - his laugh is good for my soul. He is so sweet and lovable still. Please stay this way forever.
4. I am thankful for red wine. mmmmmmm....
5. My last-born son - his mischievous laugh/growl and silly faces make me weak.
6. I am thankful that we have what we need. I see so many people in need of a place to live, food to eat or simply a friendly face and more often than I like to admit, take what we have for granted. I want to thank God everyday for all of the little things.
7. Stanley, my basset, spinning in circles. It cracks me up every time.
8. Christmas coming up - I love everything about it!
9. My baby's doll-like "mama". It always makes me smile.
10. My BFF - thanks for being there!
11. I am so thankful that my man can fix ANYTHING, whether it is in the house or in the car. (Unless it is the kitchen faucet - that one is giving him some trouble).
12. I am grateful for my family - I have learned so much for my parents - they have taught me selflessness, love, and sacrifice. I am also thankful for my sister - I am glad for who she is and is becoming.
13. Red wine (oh, wait, I think I said that!) Well then, red wine AND dark chocolate. A pair made in Heaven.
14. For each of my nieces and nephews - while I was close to them when they were a lot younger - I am thankful that I am back in touch (thanks to FB). I am so happy they are each so beautiful and good human beings.
15. I am so thankful for each and every blessing in our lives - small and large, trivial and tremendous. I am so fortunate and I don't say so often enough.
Today is a day we give thanks and spend time with those most important to us. Everyday should be like this!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happy Feet.
Yesterday I got a pedicure. I LOVE pedicures - and not just because my feet look great when it's done. I love soaking my feet. I love the massage chair. I love "reading" the fashion magazines that I refuse to buy because I only look at the pictures. I love having hundreds of polish colors to choose from. I love the minty lotion that they use to massage my legs and feet. Oh, yes! The massage. I LOVE the massage.
But the thing I love most of all is that, while I'm surrounded by the manicurists and other customers, I am still getting unadulterated "ME" time. While my favorite thing in the universe is to spend time with my man and my two boys, I still need a little time to myself. For some women, it's shopping or reading but for me it's a pedicure. It's one thing I know that no one else in my little family enjoys and is all mine. (Note to self: NEVER let my husband or children get a pedicure! If they do, they will be hooked and the act of getting a pedicure will not be "all mine" anymore.)
It doesn't matter that it's fall and I will be wearing (for the most part) closed toed shoes. It's not about my feet looking great. And they do look great. That's just a benefit. In this case, it is all about the experience.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Today is Kick-Yourself-In-The-Butt Day.
Today is kick-yourself-in-the-Butt Day ("yourself" being me, of course). My last post was about my weight loss or lack thereof. This blog is about how I'm going to really lose the weight - and how it all starts with my finances. Another problem I have.
My husband and I do okay in terms of our work but we can't save money to save our lives. So, today, I kicked myself in the butt and wrote out a budget. What I discovered was, (insert drumroll) we have to make some changes. BIG surprise. Not really.
One place we are spending way too much is at the grocery store. So...you see now? This is where it all starts. From now on (or for as long as I don't lose interest) I will attempt at making weekly menus for breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks and only buy groceries for that. I will be thorough, but will not overbuy, so that I don't spend to much money or get things I won't or shouldn't eat. Notice I wrote that I will be planning out menus for lunch too. This will help me save money on eating out at lunch too.
If indeed, I keep up with the menu planning, I hope I will plan healthy, wholesome meals and save calories too.
The recent change in the weather has also put some punch behind my self-inflicted kick. It's cooler out which means I have no excuse to get some exercise in. Today, day one, I walked at lunch and I will do the same tomorrow and the day after that. I'll worry about warmer weather when the time comes. Another thing the cooler weather has done is demonstrated my weight gain in very clear terms. My cold-weather clothes are not fitting too well. Really, what other motivation do I need?
I will not buy any new, bigger clothes. I will not. Unless they are workout clothes, which I WILL wear. To work out.
I hope this kick-yourself day feeling will stay with me for more than just this week. Otherwise, I'm afraid my butt will grow so large I won't feel the sting the next time.
My husband and I do okay in terms of our work but we can't save money to save our lives. So, today, I kicked myself in the butt and wrote out a budget. What I discovered was, (insert drumroll) we have to make some changes. BIG surprise. Not really.
One place we are spending way too much is at the grocery store. So...you see now? This is where it all starts. From now on (or for as long as I don't lose interest) I will attempt at making weekly menus for breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks and only buy groceries for that. I will be thorough, but will not overbuy, so that I don't spend to much money or get things I won't or shouldn't eat. Notice I wrote that I will be planning out menus for lunch too. This will help me save money on eating out at lunch too.
If indeed, I keep up with the menu planning, I hope I will plan healthy, wholesome meals and save calories too.
The recent change in the weather has also put some punch behind my self-inflicted kick. It's cooler out which means I have no excuse to get some exercise in. Today, day one, I walked at lunch and I will do the same tomorrow and the day after that. I'll worry about warmer weather when the time comes. Another thing the cooler weather has done is demonstrated my weight gain in very clear terms. My cold-weather clothes are not fitting too well. Really, what other motivation do I need?
I will not buy any new, bigger clothes. I will not. Unless they are workout clothes, which I WILL wear. To work out.
I hope this kick-yourself day feeling will stay with me for more than just this week. Otherwise, I'm afraid my butt will grow so large I won't feel the sting the next time.
Friday, November 5, 2010
So much to blog about, so little time...
Since my last post, there has been so many topics running through my brain just begging to be written about. I haven't settled on a one. Of course, what I mean is there are lots of stuff I want to write about, but that doesn't mean I have anyone to read any of them.
But I am writing this blog for me right? So here are the many things I hope to write about:
1. More on weight loss...or weight gain. This depends on where I'm at. God help me.
2. The way my little boy says "Mama" whenever my man gets him out of bed or picks him up after work. Poor Daddy.
3. Or the laziness of my big boy. Will he ever really like any sport AND actually partake?
4. Food. I could have a million posts featuring all of my favorite recipes with pictures. I LOVE pictures of food.
5. About how I want to be a stay-at-home mommy. I love my job. I do. Still, there is something so alluring about being with my baby all day and being able to pick my boy up from school.
6. How about giving up "city" life and reverting back to living in the country? As long as it is within 30 minutes of a Target.
7. I could also write about my husband's amazing ability to fix anything and everything in this house. He is so cool.
8. Speaking of my husband, I could also tell everyone about his "...isms" - cute little redneck sayings that are so funny but also make perfect sense.
9. I could certainly showcase my big boy's LEGO creations - everyone is interested in that right?
10. My job -I could write so many posts on the amazing people I meet at my job.
11. My parents - they are both so strong but in entirely different ways and they are both the giving, sacrificing people anyone will ever meet.
I could go on and on, but I think this list will give me a good start.
But I am writing this blog for me right? So here are the many things I hope to write about:
1. More on weight loss...or weight gain. This depends on where I'm at. God help me.
2. The way my little boy says "Mama" whenever my man gets him out of bed or picks him up after work. Poor Daddy.
3. Or the laziness of my big boy. Will he ever really like any sport AND actually partake?
4. Food. I could have a million posts featuring all of my favorite recipes with pictures. I LOVE pictures of food.
5. About how I want to be a stay-at-home mommy. I love my job. I do. Still, there is something so alluring about being with my baby all day and being able to pick my boy up from school.
6. How about giving up "city" life and reverting back to living in the country? As long as it is within 30 minutes of a Target.
7. I could also write about my husband's amazing ability to fix anything and everything in this house. He is so cool.
8. Speaking of my husband, I could also tell everyone about his "...isms" - cute little redneck sayings that are so funny but also make perfect sense.
9. I could certainly showcase my big boy's LEGO creations - everyone is interested in that right?
10. My job -I could write so many posts on the amazing people I meet at my job.
11. My parents - they are both so strong but in entirely different ways and they are both the giving, sacrificing people anyone will ever meet.
I could go on and on, but I think this list will give me a good start.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I Am Not a Rocket Scientist.
I am woman, therefore I am obsessed with my weight. The two go together: being a woman and being obsessed with weight, right? Okay, so maybe it isn't just because I am a woman, but it IS because I am overweight. This is exacerbated because I am very conscious of fat's ill-effects on one's health and face it - I want to look good!
I have been fighting the weight battle since I graduated high school and spent most of my twenties overweight with the exception of when I married my husband. I lost weight for my wedding but quickly gained it back. I had my first son and then ballooned to a number I will not say out loud in conversation nor will I mention it here. Finally, I decided I didn't want to begin my thirties fat. I knew that in the shape I was in, I was not living my life to its fullest.
So, I joined Weight Watchers and lost fifty pounds. And it was easy. Honestly. I remember that as the pounds came off, I was astonished at how simple it seemed. I followed the plan and walked a few times a week. That's it. After I lost it all, I never felt so good, so beautiful and so energetic. After a while, though, I did get tired of going to meetings and counting every point, so a few pounds crept back on, but they were nothing I couldn't deal with.
Another beautiful baby boy later, and I am overweight again. Not fifty pounds but still more than I should be. My son was born almost two years ago, and despite how simple it was then, it is really hard now. I can't explain it, but it is. I have rejoined WW TWICE since his birth. I just couldn't get myself to count the points and stick on plan, despite how easy I know it is.
Here I am. This entry marks a [another] new start. With my two past attempts under my belt, I won't be going the Weight Watchers route again because of seem to have developed some sort of mental inpass. It will have to be the old fashioned way: watching what I put in my mouth and getting my butt moving. By choosing to write about it here, I'm hoping it will help keep me more accountable.
I've learned certain things work for me:
1. Before I eat something that doesn't fit into the plan, thinking to myself, "Is it worth it?"
2. Walking every other day at least.
3. Drinking LOTS of water.
4. Writing down what I eat.
See, I know what works, but despite all of my knowledge and experience, this past year and a half have been a struggle. Seeing the needle on the scale go down, just to go up again makes me want to pull my hair out. I've thought about just giving up and eating whatever-the-heck I want and not care what size I end up to be. Then seconds later, I remember how great I felt when I was twenty pounds lighter and all of those clothes in the back of my closet I want to fit into again.
My excuses are many: I am too busy with the family, work, housekeeping, LIFE. When I have the time to workout, I choose to take nap because I'm tired. When I cook, I cook foods that are not necessarily healthy because I "think" they are easier or quicker to make. In my head, I know these are just excuses, but give me a chance and I can justify every one.
Really, weight loss isn't rocket science. It is easy. But, right now, why is it so hard?
I have been fighting the weight battle since I graduated high school and spent most of my twenties overweight with the exception of when I married my husband. I lost weight for my wedding but quickly gained it back. I had my first son and then ballooned to a number I will not say out loud in conversation nor will I mention it here. Finally, I decided I didn't want to begin my thirties fat. I knew that in the shape I was in, I was not living my life to its fullest.
So, I joined Weight Watchers and lost fifty pounds. And it was easy. Honestly. I remember that as the pounds came off, I was astonished at how simple it seemed. I followed the plan and walked a few times a week. That's it. After I lost it all, I never felt so good, so beautiful and so energetic. After a while, though, I did get tired of going to meetings and counting every point, so a few pounds crept back on, but they were nothing I couldn't deal with.
Another beautiful baby boy later, and I am overweight again. Not fifty pounds but still more than I should be. My son was born almost two years ago, and despite how simple it was then, it is really hard now. I can't explain it, but it is. I have rejoined WW TWICE since his birth. I just couldn't get myself to count the points and stick on plan, despite how easy I know it is.
Here I am. This entry marks a [another] new start. With my two past attempts under my belt, I won't be going the Weight Watchers route again because of seem to have developed some sort of mental inpass. It will have to be the old fashioned way: watching what I put in my mouth and getting my butt moving. By choosing to write about it here, I'm hoping it will help keep me more accountable.
I've learned certain things work for me:
1. Before I eat something that doesn't fit into the plan, thinking to myself, "Is it worth it?"
2. Walking every other day at least.
3. Drinking LOTS of water.
4. Writing down what I eat.
See, I know what works, but despite all of my knowledge and experience, this past year and a half have been a struggle. Seeing the needle on the scale go down, just to go up again makes me want to pull my hair out. I've thought about just giving up and eating whatever-the-heck I want and not care what size I end up to be. Then seconds later, I remember how great I felt when I was twenty pounds lighter and all of those clothes in the back of my closet I want to fit into again.
My excuses are many: I am too busy with the family, work, housekeeping, LIFE. When I have the time to workout, I choose to take nap because I'm tired. When I cook, I cook foods that are not necessarily healthy because I "think" they are easier or quicker to make. In my head, I know these are just excuses, but give me a chance and I can justify every one.
Really, weight loss isn't rocket science. It is easy. But, right now, why is it so hard?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Bedtime Rituals
Last night, just before I went to sleep, I checked on my sleeping children. I opened the door to my toddler's room and lightly rested my hand on his back to check if he was okay. Then I did the same with my seven-year-old. I developed this habit the minute my first was born. Every night I would touch him, make sure he was breathing, and just watch him for a few seconds. Seven and a half years later, I still practice the ritual.
During that first year of his life, and the first year of my toddler's life, I did this because I was petrified of SIDS. But why have I continued? There is no longer a risk of SIDS and my children have no health risks that would make me (logically) worry. Still, I feel compelled to peek in on them every night, and, if for some reason I wake in the middle of the night, I check on them again. Will I continue to do this two years from now or even when they are teenagers? (Let's not even touch on the fact that I still use a monitor in my 7-year-old's room). It seems completely ludacris that I feel this compulsion to do so, but I can't help it.
When I see them sleeping, so calm and tranquil, it sets my mind and my heart at ease. I feel like all is well with the world - their world. When I feel that silent rise and fall of their back, I can breathe easier. The peace I feel washes away whatever that day held.
I remember when I was pregnant for the first time, and when both my boys were infants, I would read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on about what I should feed my baby, how I should bathe him, how I hold him. When it came to bedtime, all of the magazines and books said to develop bedtime rituals to encourage your baby to fall asleep easily and to sleep through the night. So, of course we came up with a routine: bathtime, book, and a lullaby. I have found that although the books don't mention it, the same works for me. Every night they go to sleep after a series of events that is (for the most part) pretty similar every evening. For me, there is only one nighttime ritual I need in order to fall asleep.
During that first year of his life, and the first year of my toddler's life, I did this because I was petrified of SIDS. But why have I continued? There is no longer a risk of SIDS and my children have no health risks that would make me (logically) worry. Still, I feel compelled to peek in on them every night, and, if for some reason I wake in the middle of the night, I check on them again. Will I continue to do this two years from now or even when they are teenagers? (Let's not even touch on the fact that I still use a monitor in my 7-year-old's room). It seems completely ludacris that I feel this compulsion to do so, but I can't help it.
When I see them sleeping, so calm and tranquil, it sets my mind and my heart at ease. I feel like all is well with the world - their world. When I feel that silent rise and fall of their back, I can breathe easier. The peace I feel washes away whatever that day held.
I remember when I was pregnant for the first time, and when both my boys were infants, I would read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on about what I should feed my baby, how I should bathe him, how I hold him. When it came to bedtime, all of the magazines and books said to develop bedtime rituals to encourage your baby to fall asleep easily and to sleep through the night. So, of course we came up with a routine: bathtime, book, and a lullaby. I have found that although the books don't mention it, the same works for me. Every night they go to sleep after a series of events that is (for the most part) pretty similar every evening. For me, there is only one nighttime ritual I need in order to fall asleep.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Nice Work If You Can Get It
I love my life. Even I am amazed that I can say that and that statement is actually true. I have a fulfilling job, two amazing boys and an incredible husband who loves me. I think I have it all. I have even had the idea that if Heaven is anything like my life, I am just fine with that for eternity.
That isn't to say that there are times when things are less than perfect - I am normal after all. I work for a non-profit where I hope our work makes a difference in our community, but by its very nature (it being a non-profit) there are times when it's difficult. I work full time and throughout the year the year there are several times when I have to work evenings. I do this gladly, but it is more than difficult knowing on a normal night, I have only three hours with my seven year old and even less with my toddler.
These few hours are precious and more than I'd like to admit, I find myself trying to pack it all in - cooking dinner, helping with homework, bathtime and cleaning up after dinner, all before 8:30, the time my oldest boy goes to sleep. Then, in times like this, I feel guilty because I should have spent more time with my boys.
I think it is a farely common assumption that being a working mom - simply means that at times you feel guilty. "I should have planned it out so that I could stay at home with my kids." "I don't have a lot of time to cook the best meals for my family." "I should be doing more with my kids." "I should be spending more time with my husband." Once we decided to have kids, I was determined to be the perfect mother and wife. I would be able to work nine to five, cook a four course dinner, get my kids to all of their after school activities - you know, music lessons, sports, boy scouts - have playtime, read them books,and, after they are sung to sleep with a lulliby, have a romantic evening with my husband. That nightly routine is frankly not possible. On most nights that don't include any afterschool activities, it is still a trial to get dinner on the table and the kids to bed on time. Romantic evenings? What are those?
Being a working mom means exactly what it is - I work at a job and I work at being a good mom and wife. It is WORK. It is trying and tiring but rewarding and comforting. Just like any good job, it has great pay and even better benefits.
That isn't to say that there are times when things are less than perfect - I am normal after all. I work for a non-profit where I hope our work makes a difference in our community, but by its very nature (it being a non-profit) there are times when it's difficult. I work full time and throughout the year the year there are several times when I have to work evenings. I do this gladly, but it is more than difficult knowing on a normal night, I have only three hours with my seven year old and even less with my toddler.
These few hours are precious and more than I'd like to admit, I find myself trying to pack it all in - cooking dinner, helping with homework, bathtime and cleaning up after dinner, all before 8:30, the time my oldest boy goes to sleep. Then, in times like this, I feel guilty because I should have spent more time with my boys.
I think it is a farely common assumption that being a working mom - simply means that at times you feel guilty. "I should have planned it out so that I could stay at home with my kids." "I don't have a lot of time to cook the best meals for my family." "I should be doing more with my kids." "I should be spending more time with my husband." Once we decided to have kids, I was determined to be the perfect mother and wife. I would be able to work nine to five, cook a four course dinner, get my kids to all of their after school activities - you know, music lessons, sports, boy scouts - have playtime, read them books,and, after they are sung to sleep with a lulliby, have a romantic evening with my husband. That nightly routine is frankly not possible. On most nights that don't include any afterschool activities, it is still a trial to get dinner on the table and the kids to bed on time. Romantic evenings? What are those?
Being a working mom means exactly what it is - I work at a job and I work at being a good mom and wife. It is WORK. It is trying and tiring but rewarding and comforting. Just like any good job, it has great pay and even better benefits.
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